mish.ayvuir.net

i’m sick. and only got out of bed to eat. god help me.

He hates me now. And it’s due to my own stupidity. Why on earth I can’t get names right?

Boundaries are hard. I’m one of the reasons why they say “you shouldn’t preach what you can’t practice”

Anyway, his mom walked in on us. I’ve never been so embarassed in my life. Ack.

I have no tears for him. Does that mean he’s hurt me to the point that any more damage will be permanently psychological? This isn’t healthy. I have to learn to draw boundaries otherwise I’ll be too far broken to be repaired.

“3 days, 2 nights… i know her body better than her personality”

How the FUCK does someone react to that? I wanna cry. He probably would of slept with that girl if it wasn’t for his friend. I knew I was setting myself up.

He goes away for 2 nights. Says he didn’t get much sleep because, “we were ‘playing’”. Wtf does that mean?

I must have a trail of shit that follows me wherever I go. Can’t seem to get rid of it either. So whenever I step back and look at the bigger picture of the situation, I step in that pile of brown mush.

So all I can do now is stick to what I have in front of me and be happy with it.

I said before that I thought everything was going to disappear. But it seems everything has took a turn for the better (that is, in my objective view). Does distance really make the heart grow fonder?

I was cold to him today. I’m not happy with the situation and I’m showing that via my actions. But I’m not sure it’s going to work.

He said something to me the other day which might of given to the hint that the complicated thing we have between us is no longer going to be there. Am I happy? Not really. I’m just trying really hard not to love him - finding reasons to hate him - and it’s exhausting.

I don’t seem to know how to draw boundaries. I was supposed to be in training so that I wouldn’t set myself up to fail. But now, to put it simply, I’m being taken advantage of.

Am I a sadist?

I have a free PS3 from when my parents bought a Bravia TV earlier this year and I’ve been so busy with Uni that I haven’t played it at all, until yesterday. I finished exams yesterday so I bought Singstar (Vol. 1). I spend hours playing it last night - and I played it again today.

My throat hurts and the songs are making me depressed.